April 14, 2008

"Where All These Worries Weigh Heavy on My Heart, Will Rise, Will Rise, Will Rise"

A hard weekend, all the way around. I was looking forward to another peaceful, fun family weekend and I felt like I was surrounded by chaos. I guess I set my expectations too high.

Friday night I won't even talk about. A lot needs to be sorted through. Terrible words, feelings hurt, trusts broken.

Saturday, healing began...still unfinished. But I trudged forward and got myself out. We've been dealing a lot these days with outbursts from Jakob that seem to be at their worst. The screaming, the defiance. I am exhausted. I'm sure he is too. I wish I could scoop him up and make him feel better. But when he gets like that I can't go near him, it makes it worse. So I let him be...to work it out and I hold him afterwards while we talk. Is this the right way to handle it? Am I doing the right thing? Am I damaging him? Adding to his confusion? These are the questions I am surrounding myself with that there seem to be no answers for at this point.

Yesterday was better. We spent much of the day out and about and visited with an old friend who we haven't seen in sometime. It was nice and I feel good for Jakob. He played with his friend Hershey...our friends dog. As he laughed and played I saw the sparkle that he's been missing for a bit. It honestly made me want to cry. He fell asleep rather early, around 6ish and slept straight through until 4:30 this morning. I kept checking on him thinking something was wrong. He's fine.

I hope things turn around and start to get better soon. I need them to get better. But first I need to find in myself what my role in bettering this family needs to be.

Sitting with Aaron last night, just the two of us, our son tucked away...dreaming we talked. For the first time in a long time, I mean really talked. Life gets so busy and things move so fast that sometimes we forget to connect. Friday was a reminder that we need to slow down and be each others rock...that will lead to better things for us and for Jakob.

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