This morning I had a couple of hours all to myself. Aaron had an early morning appointment, Jakob was with my parents and I had decided to go into work a little late. I was working on the computer, cleaning up old files, downloading pictures off of my camera and the like. I came across old correspondence from my past. As I re-read our words I began to smile. It was a different time, a time of forgiveness, new growth and optimism. My heart softened. I remembered her laugh, good Lord, I even remembered her smell. I wondered if I should reach out my hand and try to make amends like we both had done so many times in the past. Wondering, hoping if this time things could be different. I closed my eyes. I sat back. I tried to see it from outside of the box. And then I realized...all of these years we were going in circles and no matter what we could never move forward. No ones fault really, just how it had always been. For some reason we have always been drawn to one another but sadly never good for one another. Still, I saved the correspondence.
"Sometimes to keep it together, we got to leave it alone. So you can get on with your search, baby, and I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, that it wasn't really wasted time”
I will remember only the good. I will remind myself that everything happens for a reason. I will let go of a past that was unhealthy for all and pray only for positive things in the future.