December 4, 2009

Dear Mr. Postman, Look and See, If There's A Letter In Your Bag for Me

I'm sure that all of us have thoughts and feelings about other people or things that we wish we could express but when it all boils down, we just aren't that  brave mean.  Perhaps it was something we saw while driving or a comment made by a stupid mom at hockey practice that we just can't let go and then we  allow it to eat away at us for days. 

Today I am going to compose letters, letters that I will never send.  Letters that only you and I will know about. 

Here we go...

Dear Ugly, Mouthy, Hockeymom, Bitch:

     I didn't appreciate your comments about how I probably don't cook for my family and allow my family to eat McDonald's everynight.  Or how you eyeballed me up and down before your stupid comment.  Here's the thing, you don't know me and I'd like to keep it that way, so from now on please pretend you don't.  Because the next time you open your bitch ass mouth to me and say something like that?  I will put my fucking fist in it.

The Mom Who Will Bust You in the Mouth


Dear Erie County Jury Duty Payroll Department:

   You called my number, had me miss a day of work (unpaid), I sat for hours and by the time you called my name my ass was numb.  You took me and about 15 others into a small room with Bibles on a table.  We sat there for another 10 minutes, fearing the worst, waiting for someone to come in only to tell us that we were not needed and were able to go home.

   I reported for Jury Duty on November it is December 4th.  Where the fuck is my $40 check???  Can you get on that because it's just annoying to me.

It's My Money and I Want it NOW!


Dear Tailgating Speed Demon:

    It really pissed me off the other day how you sped right up to my God-damn bumper, rode my ass (which was already going 65mph in a 55), passed me and then cut me off.  Stupid bitch.

   But what angered me more then anything was when you passed me and I looked over at your dumb ass only to see you on your cell phone, smoking a cigarette, driving recklessly with your CHILDREN in the backseat! 

  Look, I speed on occasion, yes...I've talked on my cell phone while driving and I too am a smoker BUT I have never done any of those 3 things with my son in the backseat let alone all 3!  You don't even know how I wanted to ram your car and knock your ass into next week.  You're lucky all you got was some mumbled swearing that came out from under my breath.

The Bitch Who Won't Mess Around Next Time

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, I feel much better.

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